Altruistic Volunteer Is Kept on the Sidelines - Dear Abby (2024)

I was well accepted when I lived in the North, but since moving to Florida, I have had trouble breaking into volunteerism. It took five years before I was accepted for volunteer jobs in my community, and only because of a board member's intervention. I have been told there are no openings on certain committees until they hear my background from someone. I joined a philanthropy group, which costs me more than $1,000 a year, and as often as they ask for volunteers, I am never accepted.

Recently, there was a social event sponsored by this group. I was not invited. I learned about it only when someone offered me a ride. When I asked my doctor for the name of someone I could talk to, as the fault must lie within me, he was dismissive. I am sinking further into loneliness and don't know what to do. Do you have any suggestions? -- OFF TRACK IN STUART, FL

DEAR OFF TRACK: Are you affiliated with a religious institution in your community? If so, it might benefit you to talk with the clergyperson and ask why you may have been excluded from volunteering. In most communities, there's a crying need for people to donate their time and help. If that conversation doesn't provide insight regarding the attitude toward new arrivals in town, it may be time to consider relocating to a more welcoming city, one with opportunities for folks who would like to share their time and talents.

P.S. If there are more Northerners like yourself who have been pushed aside, consider forming a group of your own and socializing with them. You might make some more wonderful friends if you do.

DEAR ABBY: I am a male, 75 years old, happily married for 45 years. We are in good health. We had two kids, a wonderful daughter who has given us two beautiful grandkids, and a son who we unfortunately lost to cancer 20 years ago.

My problem is, I have bad dreams. Sometimes, they border on nightmares and I don't understand why. If I have 100 dreams, 99 are bad. Two nights ago, I woke up screaming from one of them. I have no stress, we are financially secure and life is good.

I have spoken to two professionals about this and there are no answers to my problem. Have you heard of this and have you any advice? -- BAD NIGHTS IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR BAD NIGHTS: I have heard of this in connection with PTSD. With the clear understanding that I am not licensed to practice medicine (or psychotherapy) in any state of the U.S., I will share my take on what is happening to you. I have been told that dreams can be a way our unconscious tries to work out problems or trauma, which might include the untimely death of your son.

I am sorry you didn't mention what kind of doctors you have consulted about your nightmares. Some sessions with a licensed psychotherapist with expertise in the treatment of PTSD might be helpful in resolving your problem.

DEAR ABBY: I'm an only child (in my 30s now) who was raised by an emotionally and verbally abusive mother. When I wasn't her whipping post, I was an emotional crutch for her and had to assume parental tasks. Since I became an adult, she has violated my boundaries repeatedly. We just don't have a good relationship.

About 15 years ago, she injured herself at a friend's home and didn't seek medical care. She has used this injury as an excuse for not being able to do things over the years. I've wondered many times how bad it really is, or if she uses it as a reason to get others to do things for her.

Over the last six months or so, she has started doing less and less for herself. She expects my husband or me to drop everything and drive to her home to do whatever small task she has. She blames this old injury but still refuses to see a doctor for a possible better quality of life. She's fully convinced that an old friend is using black magic to make bad things happen to her.

I don't know what to do. I have no one to share the burden with. She berates my stepfather constantly, so his help is out of the question. Abby, I can't even talk to my mother about the weather, so how do I talk to her about my concerns? -- CORNERED IN KENTUCKY

DEAR CORNERED: While it's suspicious that your mother has steadfastly refused to see a doctor about her life-changing injury, her reason may not be that she's faking, but a fear of doctors.

That she insists she has been hexed by someone practicing black magic is interesting. Guilt can be a powerful emotion. After what you have written about her, I wonder what she may have done to that person that makes her think so.

You should not have to be at the beck and call of a parent who mistreated you. Start researching what senior services are available in her city and county, including transportation and visits from social workers, which might take some of the burden from your shoulders. I wish you luck.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I recently dined at a restaurant. Seated close to our table was a lovely couple out on a date. While scanning the menu, the man looked over at my dinner and asked me how my lamb chops were. I replied they were very good and offered to pay for the check for him and his date if they ordered the lamb chops and didn't enjoy them.

Was that inappropriate? I did not know this couple, nor was I aware of their taste in food. Also, my wife and I finished our dinner and left the restaurant before their lamb chops arrived, so if they did not enjoy them there was no way I could, post facto, make good on my offer to pay the bill. Did I do wrong? -- WONDERING IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR WONDERING: Could it have been a co*cktail or the wine talking? Making an offer you were not able to follow through on was a b-a-a-a-a-d idea. Had you lingered over coffee and dessert until their food arrived, I might think otherwise. Volunteering to pay their check was above and beyond the call of duty, even if it was a nice gesture.

DEAR ABBY: During my late teens and most of my 20s, I kept journals that filled two full spiral-bound notebooks. I kept them my entire life before reading them for the first time on my recent 70th birthday. I found it to be an enlightening journey through my past on a very personal level, dealing with the highs and lows of those tumultuous years.

I told my youngest son, who is now in the middle of that stage of life and dealing with some of the same things I did, about my journals, and he asked if he could read them. My wife says I should let him, but I'm conflicted about it.

On the one hand, they would show him he's not the only one who faces these life challenges, which may help him deal with them and in some ways get to know me better.

On the other hand, these are things (some quite intimate) that weren't intended to be read by someone else, much less my kid. If I do this, then what about my other two adult sons, who have no idea the notebooks exist? Your thoughts? -- CONFLICTED ON THE COAST

DEAR CONFLICTED: Because you feel conflicted about sharing the entire contents of your journals with your son(s), why not simply impart the important lessons you were reminded of as you read them? That way, you can skip the embarrassing parts and simply pass along the hard-earned wisdom from which your sons could benefit.

DEAR ABBY: I have often seen letters in your column from men and women concerned about how divorce affects their children, and rightfully so. As the child of parents who stayed together too long, I can state, from my perspective, it is not always for the best.

Children are aware of tension in the household and it is often damaging -- at least it was for my sister and me. We are still trying to break the pattern of the submissive behavior my mom exhibited to keep peace in the household.

My father had a temper, and no one ever wanted to cross him. I can state honestly that my brother, sister and I were relieved when Dad finally moved out. Our lives became much more peaceful and stable. My dad was never physically abusive, but he definitely controlled everything.

Once he moved out and we didn't have to live with him anymore, we all had a better relationship with him. Kids know and feel more than adults believe they do. People need to give their children more credit than they do. Do you agree? -- LEAVING'S BETTER IN MICHIGAN

DEAR LEAVING'S BETTER: Yes, I do agree. Children sense the tension between their parents, grow up believing it is normal and sometimes model the same scenario as adults when choosing mates, which is not healthy.